Monthly Archives: September 2005

*I sent this scathing (sp?) e-mail to my co-workers yesterday.*

The subject header read: MANDATE:STAPLES

In order to limit confusion and to keep our office fully stocked, all Staples orders will be made only Twice a month and request are to be made via e-mail only. You will be given one full week’s notice before the order is made in order to send in your requests.

Please supply specific information when requesting an item.
*Item name, size, quantity, color
*Staples Item Number
*which client the item is for and for what purpose you need the item.
If it is a personal request for an office item write “All Clients” and proceed listing specific information.

For Example:
“Client”:
100 Oxford Two-Pocket White Laminated Folders. Staples Item number 905465. Press Kits

“Client”:
2 packs Avery 5692 CD/DVD White Laser Labels. Staples Item number 678594. New Business Proposal.

All Clients:
1 pack Precise Pens (Black) Fine Point. Staples Item Number 787904. Office needs.

If your request is not in the above format, your request will be returned to you for revision. If the item is not sold online, please include this in your Staples request e-mail so that we can make other arrangements.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me anytime.

Thank you.

All the best,
Yummicoco
Executive Assistant

So its almost 8pm and I am still at work.

Why?

Because I am an asshole and an assistant.

Today, I spent the whole day dealing with Staples. Getting orders from my co-workers, getting prices for items online so that I could create a list for my boss to approve. Then upon finally getting approval, I had to do all this other lame ass shit so that we could get the stuff delivered today.

Then our printers keep jamming up so guess who has to correct them?

ME!!!

Then, there is the aspect about this job that I am also learning about that I have NO TIME to learn about because I have all this other shit to do but I have to act like I have all the time in the world.

Yummicoco: It will get done.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

So last night, I was at an event for work. Theatre people event to raise money for theatre people. So, Theatre People created a very creative event on a shoestring budget. All they had to do was get rich people to come. They came. They spent money. I ate cupcakes (SO SO GOOD! from Crumms) hors d’oeurves and mini hamburgers.

First time I felt like an asshole last night (other than going alone without a buddy) was when I accidentally signed up for a silent auction bid for the VHS and screenplay of the movie Labyrinth.

There I was alone, feeling stupid and I see Labyrinth. I loved Labyrinth growing up. Anyway, so theatre person starts talking to me…

Theatre person: Yeah, Jim Hensen. How could you not sign up?

Yummicoco: Well, I am a little hesitant… What if they make you do Charades or something?

THE EVENT WAS CALLED CELEBRITY CHARADES

Theatre Person: Um… CELEBRITY charades? (In a tone like… “Imbecile girl, you are not going to be asked to do anything cuz you are nothing”

So I signed up, bidding $35. At the same time I am realizing that I am flat broke and I grappled with the thought of stratching my name out but my boss was there and I was embarrassed. Instead I called Sax to set up a possible loan of the auction money.

Sax: Uh, yeah ok. You might have to start thinking about going to Englewood (parents. money)

Then at the Live Auction rich people dropped 1,500….3,000…even 7,000 dollars on crap—getting the chance to be on a movie set for a day—getting tickets to a restaurant—getting yankee tickets. Such wealth and I am pauper stuck at work when I should be home eating pizza with Sax and playing with my kitties.

My bestest friend in the office is a calico cat named Charlie. The girls at work make fun saying that he is my boyfriend but of course he’s not- we are just cool peps. He lays on all of my papers and walks all over my keyboard.

Went to a Swanky event last night sponsored in part by my job. The event was inspired by a cool movie from the Italian Neo-Realist movement in the 60s. Vespas in front of the ritzy department store, surronding a Ventian fountain and a beautiful blond Amazonian in black bustier (sp? I should know how to spell such things being francophone and all) playing in the fountain while her fashionable bodyguards protected her from equally fashionable men pretending to be paparazi.

I was drunk off lots of Champagne.

So now I am here at my computer with Charlie who is napping on all of my papers.

I call ccstar this morning while I am still above ground on the F train. She tells me that at The Young Lawyers Meeting in New Jersey she starts talking to some guy that went to Pickle’s law school. Lets call him Scratchy Balls

Scratchy Balls: Yeah, I know [Pickle]. We were in undergrad together too.

ccstar: oh, my cousin is yummicoco.

Fuck! I could not believe that she ran into this motherfucker who used to stratch his balls in front of me incessantly Sophomore year in college. I thought that he had a rash or was really dirty down there. I swore that I would never hook up with him even though he sang “Lover, You should have come over” to me one night. I did not. I also stopped talking to him all of a sudden when I decided that he was not worth me knowing.

Mean?

But he wasn’t the nicest guy and he had a girlfriend in New Jersey and another girl on the side too so I was right to fade away.

But he never got over it. For two years he would talk about me to my friends. Asking why I spontaneously stopped speaking to him. Why I hated him so much.

Then coincidentally he ended up going to the same law school as Pickle and became King of the Asians (he was a dork in undergrad- I know I am sounding scattered… bear with me I have a point) Again, always asking Pickle why I stopped talking to him.

So, now he has infiltrated the fam…

TODAY

I have been despretely searching for new interns this semester. No one wants a free quality experience anymore. They just wanna get paid. Anyway, I was really looking forward to interviewing some girl this morning and lo and behold she came in wearing a doo rag!

BETTER TO FADE OUT

Anyway, so back to my nothing of a point. One of my good friends sent an e-mail to a dude to “set the record straight”. That what happened was nothing. That they are friends. I told her that she should not have done it.

But then she made the point that it is better to be heard. Much like Scratchy Balls who wanted to let me know that it was not ok to fade away.

When some dude that I was OBSESSED over last year faded faded faded into nothing, I blogged about it. I never sent him anything. I never called him. I left it alone. It took me a year to get over it.

One of my good friends: Well, I guess I am not as cool as you I guess.

I had the worst case of Nausea all last week whick culminated with a semi panic attack on the F train heading to work on Friday. I still made it to Lex’s birthday party on Saturday. It was an 80s party but I was of course was the only person there rocking 80s gear. I looked like a shiny, colorful sasuage in my orange tube skirt, white and green asymetrical (sp?) top, large gold earrings and gold sandles.

Bought two large plants to add to our collection of 1. Their names?
-Woodeline
-Sanchez
-Stix

And Matthew the publicist thinks that I slowly losing my soul.

So what am I going to do with my life.

I don’t want to go back to school.

I don’t want to teach.

I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day and watch Direct TV.

So I am wearing a khaki dress today that I bought over ten years ago at the Gap. I have not shopped at the Gap since then. I officially have nothing to wear.

Saw the cutest things on Bluefly that I can’t afford but will probably buy anyway.

Do men like their chicks to glam it up?

Sax told Lex that she looked like the most beautiful and graceful transvestite of all time, Divine, the other day cuz she wore huge earrings, huge necklace and blue eyeshadow. She looked adorable and tasteful. But to Sax (who is still learning about what good taste is) thought that she was wearing a bit too much. I know some guys that feel like that. They like their woman natural but shaved of course.

Sax is deathly afraid of crossing the Brooklyn Bridge on a bike. He was acting so pussy, poor thing.

Thanks, Poop! Clap your hands, say “No” was great. I said yeah a few times.

Watched When Harry Met Sally, set in New York… it was like every angle of downtown nyc pointed to the World Trade Center. Never noticed that when they existed.

At work.

Getting direct TV this week. Hallelhua!

I read so many magazines and newspapers and I still don’t know what is going on.

I am strung out on Dunkin Donuts coffee. Medium. Black.

I have a splinter in my big toe. I thought I took it out but my toe still hurts.

I have a joke for you dear reader…. from the movie Arisocrats. Tell me if you heard it before.

JOKE

So, a pianist auditions for the local owner of a new, fabulous classy jazz bar. He plays the most beautiful song for the owner…

Owner: That’s absoultely beautiful. What’s the name of the song?

Pianist: Shit Fucking Dick Motherfucker.

Owner: Oh…

Then he plays another song. This one is even more beautiful than the first.

Owner: My goodness. That was amazing. What’s the name of this one?

Pianist: Pussylips cunt

Owner: Oh…Well, I’ll hire you but PLEASE just play your songs. No need to introduce them.

Pianist: Ok.

So he plays. Its amazing. Beautiful. Then there is a set break so he goes the BR to take a piss. He returns. The owner gives him a puzzled look.

Owner: You know your dick is hanging out.

Pianist: Know it! I wrote it!!!

BACK TO WORK

Best things that I have done in the last couple of months.
-Bought a jar of Nutella
-Brought my bike into the city from Jersey— went bike riding to Carroll Gardens last night. Nice.
-Bought hebrew national hotdogs and guldens mustard.

I went to the West Indian Day Parade with Sax, CCstar and CCstar Cousine. Walked/Danced with T-Vice’s float for over a mile. I think that the Haitians appreciated seeing tall white Sax attempting to dance to Compas music. Someone filmed us too.

Why?

Perhaps to jack off, of course.

Aeki Tuesday’s Birthday started at Orchid Lounge and ended as someone I know bursted out of the bathroom in random conquest glory with some random French guy. Absoultely, the best moment of the night! Told Sax about last night it while I was bitching about my job and missing the randomness of random moments, random encounters.

Yummicoco: But its the aftereffects…the getting dissed… that I don’t miss.

Anyway, its the cruel, harsh reality of adulthood kicking my ass these days… How I value having insurance so much that I would rather shirk happiness and freedom than be a writer…How if I let Sax do sex to me in the morning, I will be late for work…

Sax: Fuck, just let me do sex to you…

…How I like to go to sleep at a reasonable hour or else I will have hideous bags under my eyes and will have to resort to using Preparation H on a regular basis…

The other day, I put on some Ladytron and !!! in our apartment. Our neighbor, a girl our age, knocked on our door complaining about the noise…asking if we could keep it down after midnight from now on… said that she has to wear ear plugs on account of our noise….I hid in our room like a pinko chicken, while Sax just “uh-huh” ‘d her till she left.

She gets the Wall Street Journal delivered every morning. I think she lives by herself. She probably misses the randomness of youth too.