Monthly Archives: January 2005

Friday, went to the Hammered and Sickle Cold War Party (Part II) dressed as a Russian Ballerina…by way of Haiti, I told this one woman. “Or Ethopia”, she offered…

Colette: Well, they are beautiful so I guess thanks.

Weird.

I made my red and hot pink tutu out of cheap tulle fabric that I bought on my lunch break. Another party goer/ fashionista was really impressed with my creation.

Colette: Thanks. It took me like 5 minutes to make it.

She pauses. “No,” she smiles “It looks like it took you… 10 minutes to make it…”

Some strange moments included a hula hoop contest that made me question whether or not I was good in bed because I sucked so bad.

Saturday

Went to breakfast with KKEGEL. That night went to my friend Pascale’s housewarming party in Far Rockaway, otherwise known as China. Her place was nice and large. Her blond roommate Suzanne had the hugest black scab on her cheek. Was it a wart that she accidently scraped off with a shoe? Did she accidently put out a cigarette on her face? I kept my mouth shut but my cousin finally said something about it as we were waiting for Pascale to cut the cake.

My cousin: Do you think that’s a pimple?

Colette: (eyes fixed on yellow cake with chocolate frosting. cake was lightly spinkled with colorful crunchy things. I was hoping that the cake was moist. Would there be enough for seconds?) What?

My cousin: You know… on Sarandon (always use codewords) . I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Finally got my period today. Sorry to announce this but last week’s PMS kicked my ass. I was near death but I’m survivor.

“Always be—Always have a bullshit detector” said the 50-something year old Danny DeVito looking biker man as I sat in the barstool next to him, eating the last bit of his chocolate mousse cake at Cheap Shots Bar. “Something smells like farts over here,” said Alexis as I attempted to introduce her and the Brazillian Muse to the stinky old-timer.

The monthly WYSIWYG talent show was awesome last night. Hilarous. Jenny was great. Everyone was great. Guy Brighton was fucking hot but I would never want to fuck him because he knows that he is hot… Geez, who else was hot last night?…

1) the bartender at Cheap Shots, Stefen

2) the guy who came up to me after Jenny had it out with some loser at the bar. Too bad his polo long-sleeved shirt was tucked into his pants. His dark brown skin was beautiful.

3) the question-mark-sexuality guy at Rififi with the Empire Records flip-floppy hair-do

Question mark guy: What? Are you girls like (me, Lex and Jenny) like somekind of trinity or something?

Colette: Yeah, we are the body of Christ.

Took some dirty pictures with Lex, Jenny, and Rob. I was star photographer instructing Rob to act less giddy and to make more “I don’t give a give a fuck” kind of faces as the girls simulated giving him a tandem blowjob. I wrapped my black scarf around my neck for more effect.

Lex: Who the fuck are you? Scor– ce–fuckn’–Tarrantino–n-shit.

Oh, and the margaritas at Rififi were fucking awesome but the ones at Cheap Shots were way too strong. Went to bed at four. Oh, and a homeless lady told Jenny and I “shut up” as we rode the F-train back to brooklyn .

homeless lady: I am trying to sleep.

Saw Head- On last night at the Angelika (movie theatre) with my cousin. As we watched the preview for the indie dram-edy Assisted Living, my cousin leaned over and suggested that we should go to the same nursing home when the time comes.

Colette: that would be so cool but I have to pick which one.

Head-on was great. Its German. Go see it.

Bought 2 cds and a pair of boots before meeting my cousin.

1) Tears For Fears(TFF) greatest hits

—Watched Donnie Darko Saturday afternoon. Coolest 80s soundtrack which included Head over Heels by TFF- I love that song. CD was on sale so I did not feel so cornball for buying it.

2) Brian Ferry “Let’s Stick Together”

— Never went into the myth of the chechen rebel with you, dear reader, but BF is chechen rebel. The lead actor in Head- On was chechen all the way as well.

Snowed in Brooklyn for all of saturday and the Cold War party was rescheduled. Ate four pain au chocolat over the course of two days. I am wearing a white jean skirt today with brown winter-y boots.

No late nights out on the streets this past weekend. Joshua called but I did not pick up. I am just not that into him.

The common thread amongst friends (but not me of course)?

—Heavy bouts of unrequited love—

I sang emo style with one girl as we headed downtown. I chided another friend for rawness but told her that he was what had to be. I advised another friend to embrace the uncertainity of life and to stop waiting around for one particular guy…

Bought used cds at Tunes in Hoboken with KKEGEL. Ate at her favorite cafe. Did not see the Middle Easterner of her dreams but my middle eastern omelette was delicious as was her baklava. Listened to music at her place including Death From Above 1979, which I found angry, self indulgent, racist, misogynistic and I can’t stop listenting to it.

Watched the latest installment of Surreal Life at my parents’ house Saturday afternoon.

Da Brat: Verne (mini-me), that’s not the restroom, baby. Chris (Peter Brady), Mini- me is pissin’ in the hallway…

Peter Brady is so fucking hot. I called My Baddest Bitch in Maine just to tell her how fucking hot he was…

MBB: No fucking way…

I will miss Strange Love most of all because I am cable less in Brooklyn.

Before heading back into the city (waiting for my laundry to dry) I popped in my dvd of Before Sunset.

Mom: Are they going to talk the whole time?

I asked my father, who is normally cold and unsentimental, whether or not he thought that Ethan Hawke stayed with Julie Delpy in her Paris flat or if went back to his life and son in New York City.

Dad: Well, she told him that he was going to miss de plane and he said “I know” so I am sure that he missed de plane.

Colette: yeah.

Erase my answers and put in your own. THEN REPOST

1. What is your name?

Colette

2.What color underwear are you wearing now?

red

3. What are you listening to right now?

the office ac vent.

4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number?

37

5. What was the last thing you ate?

macintosh apple

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

orange-red

7. How is the weather right now?

it’s cold in the office

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

someone looking to speak with the HR lady

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

style, height, eyes.

10. Favorite Food?

pasta

11. Favorite Drink?

water

12. Favorite Alcoholic drink?

cranberry/vodka

13. Favorite place to shop?

urban, club monaco, bloomies

14. Hair Color?

black with some brown

15. Eye Color?

brown

16. Do you wear contacts?

no

17. Top or bottom?

bottom then I just continue to lie there.

18. Favorite Month?

June

19. Favorite Fast Food?

mc donalds

20. Last Movie you Watched?

bad education

21. Favorite Day of the Year?

New Year’s Eve

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

yes

23. Summer or Winter?

summer

24. Hugs or Kisses?

hugs

25. Chocolate or vanilla?

Chocolate

26. Do you want your friends to respond back?

yeah!

27. Who is most likely to respond?

no one

28: Who is least likely to respond?

no one will respond, damnit

30. What books are you reading?

not reading anything at the moment.

31. What’s on your mouse pad?

no mouse pad. they never gave me one.

32. Favorite Board Game?

taboo

33. What did you do last night?

went to kinko’s and then watched sex and the city on tbs with my roommate

35. Who inspires you?

family and friends, romantic comedies

36. Butter, Plain, or salted popcorn?

salted popcorn

38. Favorite Flower?

daisies

39. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M?

um, maybe I should get up and exercise… nah, 5 more minutes…

40. Do you still talk to your best friend from middle school?

yeah, I guess my cousin carla…although we did not go to school together

41. What’s on your desk?

a big phone, a cup of water, a company writing pad, markers, company phone directory

42. Rock Concert or Symphony?

symphony would be nice

43. Play or Opera?

opera

44. Have you ever fired a gun?

yes. at the rocking horse ranch. 7th grade.

45. Do you like to travel by plane?

yeah

46. Right-handed or Left-handed?

right handed

47. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter?

smooth

48. How many pillows do you sleep with?

three

49. City and State you lived in when u were a kid?

Englewood, NJ

50. Ever hitchhiked?

um, my college friends and I used to accept rides home from strangers after clubbing so that we would not have to pay for a cab. sometimes they would even take us to IHOP before heading home.

Great weekend. will write later. not feeling so great today so I called out sick. saw bad education with Joshua yesterday. great movie. he asked me what my nickname was but I refused to tell him.

finally met poop on saturday at Niagara. at the party, lex squeezed my boobs and said “you’re not wearing a bra”. later, she tackled me to the ground outside the bar. everyone saw my butt crack. ate at Wo Hop later that morning. was lured into some dude’s apt with Jenny F. left in a rather unnecessary huff.

Jenny: You are not going to blog about this are you?

picked up three guys on friday. went to BED with lex and BGA.

friday evening went to happy hour with KKEGEL. good times. learned how to say I am hungry in Bulgarian from an elf looking Bulgarian at the bar. Thought that I was going to have an early night that night. nope. did not sleep the whole weekend.

I am going to be a 50 year old washed-up party girl with no goals that answers phones at a thankless job.

Cheesey show but Jon Foster (DOOR IN THE FLOOR) is so hot with short hair. Plus, he cried in front of his girlfriend after she caught him arguing with his hot teacher/ex-girlfriend after she slept with his brother. Funny, because I always cry in order to get myself out of sticky situations. That’s a lie. I rarely cry. I am a cold fish.

Plans for the weekend?

So many parties this weekend… should be a good time.

HAPPY FRIDAY

but my roommate called out and she is sicker than I am and I did not want to get sicker being at home with her. So I am here. I am miserable fuck and I want to go back to sleep.

THINGS THAT I READ ONLINE THIS MORNING:

Rachel’s column on hot spot http://www.villagevoice.com

Sex advice from sexuality professionals. http://www.nerve.com

UPDATE:

Sunday Girl called me this morning with an urgent question….

Sunday Girl: What’s the name of your gynocologist?

Apparently, the florida anal de-virginizer sent her friend home to NYC riddled with gyno-problems and painful constipation. Maybe the old addage is right: Always pee right after you fuck some guy you met off AOL (that bought your plane ticket for a sex filled trip to florida a week after starting a correspondance with you) before engaging in more hedonistic activity.

JACKIE AND STELLA

Joshua, the 21 year old Puerto Rican from Staten Island called last night. Talked about lots of things. At one point, he seemed a little snappish when answering one of my questions. I told MBB about this….

Colette: I hope he doesn’t try to smack me around or something…

MBB: ummmm, yeah! (she’s back at school. get it.)

Colette: no, I mean make my nose bloody after he breaks it.

MBB: shut the fuck up, Colette. he’s not going to do that.

Back to the conversation: He asked me “So, what else is there to know about you.” So I said it. It was bound to come out sometime…

Colette: Well, I have two cats.

Joshua: oh

Colette: Yeah, Jackie and Stella. Jackie is the boy cat. He’s on his way to becoming 20 pounds even though he’s only a year old. His sister, Stella, is smaller. She’s…

Then he interupts me:

Joshua: So they like prolly leave cat hair all over your couch and your clothing right?

Colette: Yeah…

Joshua: That’s disgusting.

Colette: How is that disgusting? They are cute and cuddy and I love them. They are my babies.

Joshua: They are not your babies. That’s sick too. They are cats…

We went back and forth…

Joshua: What the difference… what if I was cute and cuddly and left my human hair all over your apartment? That’s nasty too.

Colette: I don’t want your human hair on my couch!

Joshua: I should have known when I met you… “Hi, my name is Colette and I don’t trust men”

Colette: Wait, I never said that.

He claimed that I did. I agreed that I didn’t trust men but what kind of bizarro would tell a stranger that upon first meeting him. I am sure that I never said that to him.

Joshua: Why would I make that up?

Colette: Well, obviously from my stories about my cats… and you said that you like to read a lot…

Joshua: How did you know that I like to read a lot?

Colette: You told me in our last conversation…anyway, I am sure that you like to dissect people and so you figured that I did not trust men because I love my cats so much. I would never say that to a person that I just met. That’s just bizarre. You know what… you are bizarre.

Joshua: Wait. did you just call me bizzarre?

Colette: So are you gonna take me out or what?

We are going to see BAD EDUCATION this weekend.

When deciding on a meeting place, I suggested Virgin Record Store.

Joshua: Nah, I’d feel like I am 13 again meeting girls in front of Virgin…

Colette: Yeah as if Virgin Record Store existed when you were 13…

Joshua: Um, yeah… 8 years ago… yeah….

Yeah, we’ll see what happens.

Happy New Year!

What did some people do on their new year holiday?
-My roommate got high on chocolate covered mushrooms at Motherfucker
-Sunday Girl’s friend lost her anal virginity in Florida
-Pickle and Vanessa watched the fireworks from the Boston Harbour

What did I do?
-I rocked my red diesel sneakers all weekend…. oh and I ate cow tongue at a Haitian dinner party New Years Day.

Thursday:
Nothing to do at work so watched PARIS, TEXAS with the only assistant stuck working that day. Amazing. Beautiful. Story unravels slowly like warm Jazz but what a joy to watch! You must see this movie if you haven’t. Left work early. Took a nap. That night, chilled with friends and a couple of other girls at MANAHATTA…

I wore my orange shirt and my despretely seeking susan necklace. Asked myself the eternal question before heading out the door: Should I wear a bra with this?

On the dancefloor:
friend: Yo, that guy has man breasts…

Colette: I dare you to go squeeze it…

friend: Nah, you can do that…

So I turned around, squeezed his left bitch tit and turned back to my friend. We laughed. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was some other guy wanting to dance with me. He was big and meaty (I squeezed his chest too), told me his name was Joshua.

Colette: Where are you from?

Joshua: Staten Island

Colette: Oh, I’m sorry…

He’s 21and kept saying “I like you” as we danced. A little strange but endearing…he asked me what my SATs scores were…

Colette: Higher than yours.

Gave him my number. He called an hour later as my friends and I were eating late night Arabic food. Was a little spooked by that but Vanessa told me that most eager 21 year old guys would do something like that… I guess.

Friday:

Getting dressed for New Years festivites in front of the mirror. Stella, my girl cat, is watching me. Something falls behind her but she does not flich… I think to myself: Do cats have morals?

New Years Festivities included bad service at a Japanese resto. in the Flatiron…Rhoum was hella-fied pissed off but Ann let management have it. Got a free meal and champagne because of it. Then headed over to my cousin’s friend’s party to ring in the new year. Then went to Solas. Then went to Motherfucker to see the Bravery. Stood in front of the stage. I thought the lead singer was so sexy. I would have teased him with my anal virginity if KKEGEL hadn’t remarked that he looked like Morrissey. There is something just not sexy about Morrissey plus I would like to keep my anal virginity.

All that dancing and no men got me fantasizing hamburgers. We leave Motherfucker around 5:50 am.

KKEGEL: yeah, I could really do with something to eat right now…

Colette: OMG, Tick Tock Diner!!!

We ran towards 8th ave. Finally went to bed at 8 am.

Saturday:

Slept all day. Went to a Haitian dinner party in Prospect Park, Brooklyn with my aunt and uncle and my cousin. Lots of people. Lots of food. Some dancing to compas music. Made a friend, Rich, 24. My cousin and I sat in the designated kids room for most of the night. Ages ranged from 9 to 16. All the kids pretty much ignored us and monopolized the television. We amused ourselves by singing the jam from Grease 2.

Colette: Remember…I love you…

Cousin: … you won’t be far away.

Colette: I close my eyes.. and something something.. to bring back yesterdaaaaay….

Colette and Cousin: …and we’ll be there…

KIDS ARE STILL IGNORING US….

Colette and Cousin: …toge-hay-ther…love will turn back the hands of timmmmmmeee…

IGNORING US

Colette and Cousin: Whoa Ho…turn back …Whoa Ho.. turn back…Whoa Ho the hands of time…we’ll turn back….Whoa Ho..

Sunday:
Food Co-Op shopping. Went to SHOUT! at Bar 13 with my roommate. Before getting up the nerve to dance, we spot a hipster in ski clothing at the bar…

Colette: What do you think his name is? He looks a Martin or Allistar or something.

Roommate: Allister?

Colette: Yeah, something about the shaggy blond hair makes him look British.

I ask a couple of other girls with cool fishnets what they thought…

Fat Girl: Yeah, he looks like he might have a K at the end of his name

Colette: Yeah, like Yan-uc-k (I need a new pair of jeans)

So I go up to him

Colette: s’excuse me, but is your name Allister?

Blond Guy: Um, no.

Colette: Um, so what’s your name then?

Blond Guy: David.

Colette: Colette

Shake hands. Nice Guy. I go back to the girls to announce his name, he follows me with invites to his next show. Band’s called The Garretts. Gave me some advice about DJing.

MONDAY. FIRST DAY BACK AT WORK.

Trained the new receptionist at my old building. Heard an executive fart just before the elevator door shut as I sat giggling from the shock at my desk. Its a new year. God bless us one and all.